Dear Queen Elizabeth II of the Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
It is with a heavy heart that I write your highness this morning. I fear that relations between us may become colder than they have been in the past. It seems as though thy subject, my wife, has damaged a piece of thine property. I paid for it. Someone else made it. But it is thine.
You see, thy loftiness, I live in Guatemala and I have to carry my passport with me everywhere. I keep in in my pocket with my wallet in case a police officer wants to check my legality in the country. A few nights ago, I forgot my passport in my pocket. I don't remember putting the pants in the laundry basket, in fact I suspect someone else of doing that. I wasn't too worried when my passport went missing. I knew it would turn up soon. The problem is that it turned up sopping wet in the washing machine (thou havest these in Buckingham Palace, though I'm certain thou hast never had to operate one).
My wife suggested I blow dry the passport, which I did. I'm glad for that advice, because the sun probably wouldn't have done the trick as quickly. I can carefully turn each page (all 24 of them) and only a couple of the visa stamps are faded, but it's in rough shape. I add that this passport expires in March '07, so I am planning to get a new one at Christmas time.
I am begging thou not to have me flogged nor put in the stockade nor to put me in the tower of London. I assure you it was unintentional.
Begging thy pardon,
Zaak C Robichaud